Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Ok its been a while lemme see if I still has what it takes to speak my mind. One thing I want to address now before anything, Sica if you still read this, Fuck you!. Stay the hell out of my life, keep your fucking puppet of a bf out of Laura and I's buisness. If I ever so much as see either one of you..ever I swear I will not hesitate to go out of my way and fuck both of you up. I still know where you live so please push my fucking buttons. I've been nice, ive been civil...and I don't care anymore about anything to even remotely do with either of you. Take what I've said..not as a threat..ok as a threat and a promise.For you others who still might remotely read this or even still glimpse into this..thanks for being so patient with me. Nothing too much is happening with me, or frankly anyone around me except for my friend Jay. He turns 18 this weekend, our little jay becomes a man. Other new im extremely happy to report, next week is Laura and I's 2yr engagement anniversary. Shes staying with me for a while..I honestly cannot wait.
Alright im gonna get heading out for now, I'll actually be back sooned since I have cable now. This is the only place I have to vent really. See you all soon.
Sunday, April 17, 2005
This is the end for some people, They dont deserve most of the things they get in life. They take for granted the people they share thier friendship with. Im sick and tired of all these worthless shits around me that think im gonna sit back and watch as they destroy everything ive worked for and still have been trying to revive. Few people in this life should be here, most are just taking up space for all the people that belong to be here. This is a vent i'll say that now so no one takes me too seriously. I by deffinition am a good person, im one of the best you'll find, anyone that knows me will tell you this. Its about fucking time I defend what I love, its about time I defend myself. Its about time I tore the people that deserve it a new fucking mouth. Im out, I can't really type to much more.Friday, March 18, 2005
Im getting real lonely as of late....yup springs right around the corner.Wednesday, March 2, 2005
I think im developing a nervous twitch from all the stupidity I see or hear about on a daily basis. *Feels his eye twitching* There it goes. Now I have something to ask all of you, Do you think im a nice guy?...If you don't tell me I am I know where you all live and will hunt you down. Ok *smiles* Have a pleasent day!Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Thursday, February 17, 2005
Now I know I don't write in here often and I don't expect anyone to read any of this and if you do....Good for you, you get a cookie. Anyone that knows me, knows im not a huge fan of Disturbed but theres one chorus that always strikes me. Im gonna post it here and if you don't like it...um well you don't like it then im not forcing you to read it.I could be wrong about that last word, It doesn't really matter. If I get some fanatic about disturbed replying to this post at all here a tip...I don't care. Most people would be suprised about the impact music has on people. The feelings it stirs up, the memories and adrenaline it gives people something to either hold on to or to let go to. Music is a vital life line for most people, they could be dependent on the pain it might give them or for the happiness it can give. I'm dependent on the pain it gives me. Its my own way of self abuse I guess you could say. As described above...Im still waiting on that Messiah to come and save me...to save anyone but im waiting for something that is destined to fail.
I wish and hope for something to happen to magically stop the pain. No, no one really see's it in me and I like it that way and thats the way it will stay. Im not gonna let anyone else endure what I go through its not right. Now lets get one thing straight...Im not insane or really in need of help, im not seeking any kind of attention. If you think I am ask yourself one thing...why the hell do you care about this anyway? Go read something else that leads you to believe that the world is fine and everyone is created equal. Im telling it how I've seen it.
Im just like everyone one of you whether you want to believe it or not. You all have your problems too as do I you just havent faced them yet. Call me weak call me frail call me anything you wish, just remember...Im stronger then you. I can take what most people never could without having a break down of some sort. I can look anyone in the eye and tell them im fine and they believe it...why? No one likes to deal with problems, no one likes to try and help the people that have had it rough. Most people cast a blind eye to the ones that need it the most. Im not dragging down everyone but to the people that help,you have my utmost gratitude.
To be locked away in your head and see people and life pass you by as you struggle to get things straight so you can take your first steps....it's painful. To the people that believe pills can solve any and all problems with people like me...two words, Fuck you. I dont give a damn about your ideas or what you have to say you obviously don't have any respect for people. You strip people like me of our free will, it may stop the problem for as long as your on the pills...but what happens when you stop? You crash thats what happens....it gets 100 times worse then what it was to begin with, good job to you all. To the people who take the pills of thier own free will...I have no problems with you. I applaud you and your efforts to overcome it.
Everyone has thier own theory's about things and heres mine, hes the time to change the page or shut me out completely...I remember what happened to Darwin when he spoke his mind and his theory. I believe people that have problems similar to mine or maybe worse are stronger then your average run of the mill person. What does most people without any problems have to worry about? Oh no life is so hard when you can be happy when you wanna be. Bullshit..I have to worry about a million things a day that doesn't make sense to most people, I have to put up with my minds own shit as well as everything anyone else would have to worry about. Im not saying im better then anyone cause im just like you, also explained above...all im saying is im stronger. Heaven or Hell if either exist, whether or not anything is real, it doesn't matter to me. Im going to end up somewhere better I think, somewhere I can be free.
Something else I have a quarrel with, people who say Bi sexuality is a choice. In the immortal phrase of Dennis Leary..."What The Fuck!?!?". I don't know about anyone else but im just normally attracted to men and women it wasn't something I woke up and decided to be. I just can't believe people go so far as to tell people thier prefrences are wrong. I am what I am so get over it, im not changing for anyone how I feel. It just gives me so much more feeling sense of being if you will. I know gay community in some peoples eyes is regarded as disgusting. Sometimes straight people are more disgusting then any gay couple. Neither is wrong, we are what were born to be whether gay or not.
All of this leading up to the prelude, im glad if you stuck around to see the end of it. If not then your gone already enough said. The last work here entails some of my feelings expressed by the best words I know how to say.
Bring out your Angels, Bring out your Dead.
Stop the thoughts and get the horrors out of my head.
Trying to get past the hate, the fear and the dread.
So bring out your Angels and bring out your Dead.
Let them show me how to try and how to die.
To ask meaningless questions and how to cry.
To be filled with Blight and filled with Strife.
Never to look the same way at a Knife.
So kill the Angels and dispose of the Dead.
Just get your tainted thoughts drawn from my head.
Wednesday, January 5, 2005
Well the holiday seasons over..thank god I hate this time of year, brings out the worst on people. In other news I finally finished Never Winter Nights...its been a week and a half now so I didnt do to bad.Now Im on to other such games like Knights Of The Old Republic 2, Shadows of Undrentide and after that a master piece of a game, Shin Megami Tensi Nocture. *drools*. Al finally comes back tonight im so happy, It hasn't felt right since hes been gone and im not the only one who noticed it. Well Im heading off to continue my mind rot into becoming a living video game.Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Three days until christmas and all through my network of friends not a one was stirring not even al. Sup all its four days till the holidays and this is the first entry in months. Ive been addicted to a number of things since the last enrty and hooked up on alot of things to. Im gonna start writing in this more often and this time im not slacking off lmao.Sunday, September 5, 2004
Wow..first time In a long time ive written in this thing. Um I guess theres not much to write about in this thing anymore. I've been thinking maybe I should shut this blog down. I have nothing interesting to share with anyone, that and its probably boring as all hell. Eh more updates whenever I feel like writing them I guess lol.Saturday, July 3, 2004
The first time things have been looking up in a little while and Laura and I get squared away...We have to be parted again for four days. I miss her so much I can't even begin to explain it. Words cannot express the measurement of love I have and feel for her. I know the rest of my life will be spent with her love, we shall endure everything life throws our way. These lyrics Im gonna put down are nothing how my relationship with Laura is, but she knows what It means.."The Nameless"
Pathetic (benign)
Accept it (undermined)
Your opinion (my justification)
Happy (safe)
Servent (caged)
Malice (heart of weakness)
No toleration Invade (committed)
Enraged (admit it)
Don't condescend (don't even disagree)
Decide (decay)
Dissapoint (delay) You suffered then, now suffer unto me.
Obsession, take another look.
Remember, every chance you took.
Decide, you live with me
Or give up - any thought you want to be free
(Don't go) I never wanted any body more then I wanted you
(I know) the only thing I ever really loved, was hate.
Anyone (NO) Anything (YES) Anyway (FALL)
Anybody (MINE) Anybody (TELL ME)
I want (YOU) I need (YOU) I'll have (YOU)
I won't LET ANYBODY HAVE YOU
Obey (ME)
Believe (ME)
Just trust (ME)
Worship (ME)
Live for (ME)
Be grateful (NOW)
Be honest (NOW)
Be precious (NOW)
Be mine (JUST LOVE ME)
Possesion (feed my only vice)
Confession (i wont tell you twice)
Decide - (either die for me)
Or give up - any thought you want to be free.
(Don't go) I never wanted any body more then you
(I know) the only thing I ever really loved, was hurting you.
(Don't go) I never wanted any body more then you
(I know) the only thing I ever really loved, was hate.
(Yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhh)
Stay inside the hole, let me take control. (Dominate)
You were nothing more, you were something less (innocent)
Something has to give - something has to break (omnipresent)
Fingers on your skin, let me savage in
YOU DESERVE IT.
YOU DESERVE IT.
YOU DESERVE IT.
YOU DESERVE IT.
(Don't go) I never wanted any body more then I wanted you (i wanted you)
(I know) the only thing I ever really loved, was hurting you. (was hurting you)
(Don't go) I never wanted any body more then I wanted you (i wanted you)
(I know) the only thing I ever really loved, was hate.
You're mine (you are you are)
You're mine (you are you are)
You're mine
YOU'RE MINE
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
........Fuck It All.......Monday, June 28, 2004
Theres several things I have to say and I have to say them now or else im gonna regret it. This may not be the nicest things to be saying but...who cares. Ive been having alot of anger issues you might say and now some thoughts have hit me after talking with Jay. I Hate most people in general...thier filthy lying idiotic sacs of flesh. Most if not all are sinners whether they try to belive it or not, we all sin get the fuck over it. Live your life to the fullest and have no regrets, live the way YOU want to not the way others or something tells you to.--------------Other things on my mind---------------
Jerry-I miss you more then ever, life been getting bed again and I wish I could talk to you one last time. If I could have anything I wish it to be that most of all. I miss your humor...your presence that made us all feel safe, the way you cared for Mom and I. On that fateful day that you went away I remembered everything you said that morning the day before...It feels like your still alive somewhere and I'll find you one day.
Jay-You've done so much for me already, things you'll never realize and hopefully I can give and pass onto you the things and experiences i've been through as a person. Your like another brother I never had. I love being around you and I wanna be there to see everything for you pull through so you can be happy. Im gonna be here and there for everything you want and anything I can do for you. I love you jay in the most sincere way.
Bro-I know mostly everything about you and Im always happy to be in your presence. Were rubbing off on each other, is that good or bad? ^__^. I want you to know that your never gonna be obsolete in my heart and soul your stuck with me forever. I love that feeling I get when were together its a major positive impact on me. Your the first person to ever wanna be friends and not run away cause of my secrets. For that you have my admiration and my love and anything else I can put in your trench coat pockets.
Laura-Ah the love of my life...you know me better then I know myself and thats a feat. You respect me and help me and love me the way no women has ever done before...you mean the world to me. You are the one and only for me, the one person thats gonna see me through everything. The women im gonna spend the rest of my life with. Im sorry things have been kinda rough, Ive got alot on my mind and its gonna get better if not for me then you and us as a whole.I love you baby and thats never going to change.
Sica-Your another one that Im gonna stick with and pester for the rest of my life. Your a special one, no not like blue bus special. Your another friend I can really talk to and trust with secrets and feelings. I may be a bit wierd and have been for a while now.I love talking to you, we get all wierded out when we talk though hence the word "Munchies" lol. Lots of love though hun and Im always here for you as well anytime you need me.
Sonya-Hun not much to say about us other then were amazing friends and thiers lots of love for one another in that bond. I love you to death hun and everything in your lifes gonna be wonderful I promise. Im always here and always willing to talk to you if you ever need or want to. One day we will meet though thats inevitable, you can't hide from me i'll find you ^___^. Sides your gonna be at the wedding when it comes regardless of where you are. Lots of love hun and I'll talk to you soon enough.
Who else to thank in my Life?...Who else to rightfully lash out at? Everone here on my list...your one of the few people I love and have a class of thier own with me. You've been more then I ever could have asked for and more. Im never gonna forget any of you no matter what the hell happens to my physical form. Im always full of suprises and revelations. Pessimistic views are what make me real and the world slowly turns towards the light which is the way im headed. Life isnt so scary when you have friends and family like the ones I have. I owe my whole being to these people, without them who knows where or how the fuck I would be. There will be a few more to enter my life and when it happens...look for them here.
Friday, April 30, 2004
The first session of vampire was today, and boy did it suck. I was trying to progress the story along for the first session because we got off to a much later time then I had hoped. Things are also kinda shitty all of a sudden and I have no idea why. I miss laura immensly even thought she left at ten. Its like I don't see her enough or something. I know its probably nothing to most people but to me its everything. Im babling again, someone needs to like hit me when I do this, Later.Tuesday, April 6, 2004
This is a song lyric that has caught my intrest over the past couple of months. Its a feeling I can't describe, its not a good feeling. The lyrics describe me in a way I never could, well anyways here it is...Innocence Gone Lyrics
No boundaries of what you've been through Abused, molested The pain you suffered from meaningless lunacy raped, penetrated, lunacy Once innocent, now that is gone Tro to build your life from constant lies Despise the one who bore you Hate the one that made you There's no one to confine to
The hate you feel inside Rots away with the soul that died Innocence is gone Only limbs
Try to conquer your pain Never daring to say no For the fright of more pain to come You let the act pass by To be brutalized in the worst possible way
The hate you feel inside Rots away with the soul that died Innocence is gone Only limbs
Shattered body and soul Shattered body and soul The plague will not withdraw The hate you feel inside
The plague will come to haunt you down Grind you down to nothing The black light you see is all that you feel Darkness, numbness fills the soul
The hate you feel inside - The hate you feel inside - The hate you feel inside - The hate you feel inside
The hate you feel inside Rots away with the soul that died Innocence is gone Only limbs exist in fearful hate The hate you feel inside Rots away with the soul that died Innocence is gone Only limbs
Friday, February 20, 2004
I feel like shit, everything today was so great and now its just blah. Something in me happened when Laura left. Something just kinda gave way, after al left too. It got hard to day to be around that much emotion, something I don't wanna ever really tell my friends that I can't take it around them. Thats not it at all though, I have no clue what it is though. Ever since saturday though ive been the happiest person in the world, now it just seems that im gonna fall to pieces and crumble to the floor. I hate being this way i haven't been in a week, I can't continue to be like this though. Everything just seems to be to hard right now and I don't think I can do anything, even my self esteem has gone back down too. A beautiful man like me.....feeling that he's ugly...makes so much sense.Music is the only thing thats been keeping me going at night happily besides my love. Lau's also the only thing that truely make me whole. Now any of my friends that read this don't take this shit the wrong way, it isnt an issue unless you make it one. Im also experiencing another anger mood, everything seems to piss me off right now except the people I love and care for. People don't make me pissed off...its just the actions I take when Im around them and the way It seemingly feels like I can't help them no matter what. Try as I may I usually piss someone off to the point where they leave me behind. Like one of my friends once said...I hate being alone...I really do though, I hate the silence the shadows bring. The stillness of the air, the way everything looks so calm and secure. I really dont like the way I do things, now im prolly gonna get a comment or have someone say, "well change the way you do it then" well in response to that, before it happens....Shut your fucking mouth, i don't really wanna fucking hear it.
How come I can't just get over it completely? How come its too hard to do things in life? It seems to hard to get a job, seems to hard to go get my licence. You name it, it seems to hard to do. I honestly don't wanna even do anything anymore, it just seems easier to give up on everything and just let myself succumb to it all and fall under the waves.I can't though I have to be strong for so many people it gives me something to look forward to. After reading this I don't expect anyone to care that Ive had a shitty night or care that Im not ok. I want no one to care right now just let me be....fuck I don't even know what the hell im talking about. This is just the thoughts of another dream...this is just the dreams of another thought...so I go on, neither alive nor am I dead. Life seems to still...I want some excitement...I want something different I just need something to change or happen to me...an exciting thing that just sweeps me off my feet whether it be from friends or my love. Im probably just being selfish, I ask to much of others for them to actually care. I try to hard to help others, no wonder why im usually all by myself inside my reality....
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
This is the first entry into the sage that is my life, hell maybe something important might even happen along the way. Your just gonna have to wait and see then I guess. I wanna thank my beautiful wife Laura for making me such a perfect Lay out and for dealing with my html incompitent ass. Ah nothing much to say on this entry I'll be back, keep watching for me.Info
Name-NovaAge-19
Sex-Male
Favorite Color-Red/Blue
Love-Laura
Pet peave-Being promised something and never getting it
Favorite food-Lasagna
Biggest pleasure-Women
Personality-The best I can give
Favorite anime-Can't say too many
Something I hate-People who are complete and utter primates.
Personal Info
Im a healthy non average male, I live somewhere in New York. I love the night life and have many intrests some of which Im not going to get into on here. If you really want to know I can and may tell you through email, keep your fingers crossed.I have but one love in this world, her name is Laura, a beautiful loving women who knows no bounds.Im about 6'2, red hair,blueish green eyes,black nails and a wonderful personality to match my big heart. Don't let how I am decieve you....or maybe you should, I have no quarries for people who hate me or just wanna diss on me. I am who I am, no changing it. My sexual prefrence ranges from day to day, being Bi is a blast. I do have flaws believe it or not...Just like everyone else. Thats another subject that will be covered in my blog here. Before I go though I just want to point out that all women are pieces of art...take care of them or else you'l lose them forever.
Links
Alexs BlogSomething Random
Lauras Blog
Mandys blog
Best site on earth